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Greg Gutfeld: The media won’t do an ‘honest day’s work’

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So the news industry is like San Francisco after taco night – in deep doo doo. Anyway, according to Axios, the news site, not the Greek personal trainer who stole my Amex card. Engagement with news content is plummeting like Brian Stelter skydiving with a malfunctioning ripcord.

They blame it on the public being tired of the constant barrage of bad headlines. But like Shannon Bream’s little goody two shoes routine, I don’t buy that for a second.

Axios claims cable viewership is down 19% in primetime in the first half of the year for CNN, MSNBC and FOX News. I told Fox that Jesse would have that effect, but they didn’t listen.

It sucks until you actually read further and I quote, “Those losses skew heavily towards CNN and MSNBC.” Wait, wait. I’m not done – Which are down 47 and 33%, respectively. Fox ratings are up 12%.

What the hell? Why did you group them together and say they all went down on average when only two did? That’s like lumping Michael Jordan in with the Buffalo Bills and the French army.

They also claimed that cable news saw a drop compared to pre-pandemic levels. With again three networks down 15% in primetime until they then say MSNBC and CNN are down 16 and 35%, respectively. And Fox is up. So again, why? Don’t lump us in with Andrea Mitchell unless I also get to sleep with Alan Greenspan. I hear he’s an animal.

Yeah, but it’s no surprise they pull this crap. And it’s also no surprise to see CNN and MSNBC go down as we rise. They suck and we don’t. That should be our new slogan. Let’s compare. Here’s CNN.

DON LEMON: If you’re not going to get vaccinated, you don’t want to social distance, you don’t want to wear a mask, then maybe you don’t want to go to the hospital when you get sick. 

BRIAN STELTER: Looking ahead to 2020, one reason why I’m taking you seriously as a contender is because of your presence on cable news. 

CNN GUEST: Do I have a wing hanging out of my mouth?

CNN HOST TALKING TO JEFFREY TOOBIN: You were on a zoom call with your colleagues. Everyone took a break for several minutes, during which time you were caught masturbating on camera.

Here’s MSNBC.

MSNBC GUEST: When a petulant and not so bright billionaire casually bought one of the world’s most influential messaging machines and just handed it to the far right. 

MSNBC GUEST: You got to stop complaining when there’s so many people who literally the inflation rate means they may only have two meals instead of three. And yeah, it’s costing you more for gas. But guess what? You are still going to take that holiday.

MSNBC GUEST: We are essentially slaves to a document that was written, you know, more than 230 years ago by a tiny group of white slave owning men.

So that’s MSNBC. So, you know, it’s pretty obvious why they’re in trouble. But Axios blames exhaustion. But is the exhaustion over bad news or fake news? Because if it were bad news, then it would hit us all equally.

It’s really about fakeness and how it only flows from one direction. And that can only be why people are sick of them, but they’re not sick of us. It’s like saying people aren’t eating as much pizza because they’re sick of it. But when you look closer, it’s frozen pizza, not Papa John’s or Domino’s. Better get free pizza out of that. So they’re not sick of pizza. They’re sick of bad pizza. So in the media, what exactly is this bad pizza?

Yeah. It’s time to list all the major hoaxes that makes us hate the news. Well, not all of them, since this show is only an hour long or actually 42 minutes. Minus ads on buying gold and close-ups of Sebastian Gorka.

Of course, there’s Russian collusion. The Steele dossier. Trump calling Nazis fine people. The Russians paying bounties on American soldiers. Trump telling people to drink bleach. Trump overfed koi fish in Japan. Trump cleared protesters with tear gas. The Border Patrol agents whipping illegals. Hunter’s laptop was Russian disinfo. Whoo! I need a breath.

Hold on. Okay. Where was I? Oh, yeah. CRT is a hoax. January six was worse than 9/11. men can get pregnant, which I know is total B.S. because I’ve been trying for years – I don’t have the hips. Inflation is all Putin’s fault. And of course, Bradley Cooper is dating Huma Abedin. Yeah, and I’m dating Anthony Weiner.

So it’s not that we’re sick of being told dark truths, it’s that we’re being lied to by stupid people who think we’re stupid. Today, most news outlets are just high-tech versions of supermarket tabloids, the ones with headlines like Amazing Rooster Cries, Rocks that Cure Cancer.

Axios also claims that the interest in the president went down a lot under Biden. They also claim that after Trump took office, he generated seven times more Google searches than Obama. But maybe that’s because American presidents are more interesting if they’re born here – an unhinged conspiracy freak would say.

I said that for Shannon. Could it be that Trump was more interesting? Perhaps. But the glut of anti-Trump stories, which were revealed later as fate, created a lot of the interest. And the stories were all bad. They were never good. Not once was there a fake story about Trump refusing to get peed on by a hooker.

So you see how Axios undermines its own point. It’s bad news that got clicks, but now they stop those hoaxes. The press refuses to paint their boy in that light so they’ll just settle for bad numbers and call it exhaustion. So it wasn’t the public that lost interest. It was the media who deliberately lost interest in doing an honest day’s work. Instead, the hoaxes now protect those in power. Hoaxes like “the adults are back in charge,” “Hey, Joe is  a moderate,” “no, Joe had no idea what Hunter was up to,” “no, Joe’s not corrupt, and he’s definitely not senile,” “and Joe could do 201 armed pushups,” and get this, “his wife is a doctor. A medical doctor.”

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So they claim we’re tired of bad news. No, we just got tired of the lies. The blinders are now off and we see the industry for what it is. It’s a conveyor belt of misinformation, a sausage factory churning out sausage that tastes like Styrofoam, soaked in cat urine with a hint of fennel. Getting hungry.

They’re paid liars like the refs for the Harlem Globetrotters. It’s amazing how we went from Walter Cronkite to Cliff Clavin, from reporting facts to telling tall tales. Or maybe it’s always been Cliff Clavin, and we really never knew. But it’s different here at Fox, we don’t hoax you. We just want to have a good time. And you can’t do that without trust. And at Gutfeld!, trust is our safe word. Although I do have a habit of ignoring those.

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